StarGasm - Episode 1: The Ewok Menace

welcome listeners to another special game thingy that we're going to do is that what we're calling them yeah well we uh I think did we mention on the show that we might do this or I someone suggested we should do it after we did the the other one the fusion no I think I'm not sure if we recorded it but yeah we should yeah I think it's something we should try it was definitely requested by at least a couple of listeners absolutely uh so what we're going to do here to celebrate the release of Rise of Skywalker the completion of the Star Wars sorry the Skywalker Saga uh we're just going to do a little Star Wars role playing game M if you don't mind listeners I do a bit of Star Wars role playing every Saturday night if you know what I mean I do and I've asked you to stop

breaking into my house yeah your father asked me to give you this when you were old enough your uncle wouldn't allow it yeah my uncle the police officer um so this is going to be uh it was suggested and I did think it was a fun idea that we could redo episode 8 but I couldn't think of a way to do that really because I think it's hard because we're sort of you putting you on Rails a bit exactly and uh and and also I was kind of thinking hopefully if this is fun maybe this could continue longer than just today so I thought okay so we're kind of doing our own thing and so I asked you guys for some UT and uh you guys uh what we've come up with for you guys for

listeners you two will be playing two rookie Stormtroopers and this is going to be set in between episodes four no episodes three and four so uh the Empire has been formed the order 66 has been initiated and the Jedi are being hunted down and uh presumably during this period they're starting to recruit real people into the uh Into the Storm Troop because as far as I'm a way you're not clones but uh you are allowed to come up with your own characters and I uh I'm happy for you guys to do whatever the hell you want as far as characters go Luke do you uh do you have any information about your character do you my name Luke okay Luke with two 's so you're a clone yes no I'm not a clone though wasn't Luke the Clone character from the

Timothy Z's books wasn't there I don't think so a clone called Luke l k no okay never mind I'm sure someone will WR in but I'm Luke I'm a new recruit to the Imperial Academy MH mhm cuz I decided to join up after I saw the great work that the Clones did and now the Clones are going away so I'm going to sign up to help the Galaxy all right MH and uh Dan your your character yeah my uh my character's name is David Rule and uh I'm uh I've also just joined up at the uh Imperial Academy um it was either this or just do uh some kind of meaning meaningless job like data entry OR tech support So y I figured might as well might as well jump straight into it well they have thrown you straight into it uh I'm from alderon by the way if

anyone's wondering uh long you live yeah I'm a I'm a kilan okay yeah okay Coran and I'm going to make a note of that actually uh sorry David rule from yeah western suburbs of alderon and uh Luke ground walk L ground flyer ground flyer from uh cilia yeah sorry Coria all right very good uh so you've joed up and uh things are quite busy now cuz they you know they're trying to basically hunt down all the Jedi and take over all of the uh systems that aren't complying with the emperor's wishes so they've

handed you both a pair of shiny new stormtrooper armor oh yeah two these are going to reflect anything these are going to keep you safe you're feeling very safe and secure inside your shiny armor uh and you've been given two standard issue Stormtrooper blasters and you and the rest of your troop have been sent sent off to a space station named Zol uh to just look around uh investigate rumors of of Jedi in the area and after you arrived filthy Jedi they're rats that's what we call them so you guys uh you got they tried to destroy the EMP kill the emperor you two have been sent to a Cantina uh to meet with an informant uh and you you haven't been told who the informant is but you've been told that they'll they'll contact you when you get there you guys do kind

of stand out so yeah yeah yeah so all you've got on you is uh you've got your your blasters uh and then you've got your uh you got some little backpacks in which you've got some Imperial propaganda that uh did say that some f out yeah and some posters to pop up uh and so if you I don't know you guys can feel free to you know yeah they gave you some leeway to make your own kind of your own kind of propaganda materials so yeah yeah I've got a great one cuz actually we we need men but what we really need is droids so I've got this great poster that's just Darth Vader pointing and it says are you the droids we're looking for I popping one up you see there unit R yeah yeah and he he rolls past he kind of stops and he goes like comes over like kind of scans the poster and then

he's like little head spins around in a circle and he makes some excited beeping noises and rushes off uh in the direction of the Recruitment Center yeah beeping noises because um this is censored he actually just [ __ ] swore like a sailor and so you approach the Cantina uh the door slides open and uh basically all the noise inside stops and everyone looks over at you too and you can see it's quite dark inside and Smokey so you can't see a whole lot you can see you can make out the bar over on the left side of the room but everyone's just kind of looking at you expectantly all right so I'm walking up to the bar and I want to ask a bartender a question he says every time people walk in here does everyone just go quiet cuz it just seems really

annoying he says well we don't get uh we don't get Storm Troopers here too often uh this is kind of a new thing so oh get used to us there's hundreds of us now yes it's uh yes what we're hearing what can what can we do for you two couple of drinks I guess to start off yeah um yeah I have a krly nail please krly nail yes sure sure pops a and I'll have a um I'll have an AB Al around bidder oh yeah Subs of all on yeah I've got one I've got that on tap and he pulls out good a pint glass uh which schoer for me thanks yeah he puts he PS it it's a space schooner actually mhm it's Star Wars so could we also get a couple of straws I just remember it's quite hard to drink

with the helmet to yeah and some peanuts if you don't mind sure space peanuts uh he gets those Space Nuts Space Nuts yeah pops them up Rancor nuts they are yeah just just make a note my my character is just writing in a little notebook Space Nuts and giggling to himself and then he Pockets The Notebook so he's working he's working on a novel and occasionally he's going to write down some some ideas oh okay very good he doesn't want to be a storm Tripper his whole life Matt no well who does it's just a it's just a a job isn't it but also uh we'd like to start a tab if you could just uh create a tab for t246 that would be great

t246 do you do food here or is is there like is there a kitchen back there can we get a sandwich or something um not not here no but there is there's a there's a a place nearby um perhaps you finish your drinks I can give you directions yeah okay after this we'll go get a bite toat or could could you run out and get us something Luke why don't we go there we'll sit down and have a meal first and we'll come back here after dinner but we've got to make the informant so Bender can you tell the informant to meet us at the diner around the corner in woman yeah yeah we don't want to know what he looks like either but he'll be in here looking for two storm Trippers so just tell him we're gone to get a sandwich he look he looks around the bar and he notices there's like a TW

gentleman sitting at a table and it looks like he's kind of trying to move his arm to get your attention and I I I put my hand up in front of my mouth like holding an invisible sandwich and pretend to eat it and then point to the door and then I hold up my hand to say 5 minutes 5 minutes just going to get a sandwich the the Twilight kind of shrink back in the chair and he goes all right and he indicates the bartender yeah all right bring me another one and so I just got my drink I don't want to go anywhere you go you if you go next door you get me the sandwich I'll wait here drink I'll look after you why don't you call the informant over while I go and grab myself a drink a sandwich do you want a sandwich as well do you want me to bring something back yeah I have a chicken loaf

sandwich yep all right I I'll leave the bar all right oh no make mine a poloo por Glo por yeah all right all right I'm back I'm back get in early you guys have separated wonderful I've also put a coaster on the lid of your drink just so we know if anyone tries to spike it thank you but I've actually spiked it myself all right so David r heads out of the uh are you a doctor in this as well just so I know I don't want to not a not a doctor of medicine no could you be a field medic [ __ ] I can dress your wounds if that's what you're asking wink you can't see I'm winking I

got the helmet [Laughter] on he's just standing there looking awkward now yeah cuz you can't tell that he's winking all right um so the the Twi fellow hops up and uh he wanders over to the bar and he says hello are you uh are you the gentleman I'm supposed to see and um maybe who are you supposed to see I have information regarding a Jedi oh you do that' be great let me get my recorder out um just hit record all right what's the information well I've heard that the chef at the sandwich shop is a Jedi H one of the chefs they've got a couple of chefs you know my my partner David

just went there you realize oh he called me he's in grave danger why didn't you tell us this earlier well I was I trying to I was waving at you across the bar didn't you see me anyway this just because of this the late information I I'll let you finish and then I'll just tell you what's going to happen in return for the info you guys can uh can help me get get off this station with uh with MAO if you know what I mean points that he's a dick what Chic Caro if the uh you know the Empire could you know turn a blind I I just got some uh just some spice and some death sticks and some uh mhm wook well he Winks I don't what I don't know what kind of Stormtrooper you think I am but I'm here to uphold the Lord of our Galactic Empire and I'm going to

have to place you under arrest I pull my blaster on him he says no no I'm sorry I'm sorry it was just a joke just a joke it was a test it was a test it was I was I was I was told to say that by a superior officer it was a test turn around handcuffs out he's no no no no no he's he's now actively resisting arrest uh and he look I will shoot you he makes a run for it towards the door set for stun shoot him in the back all right I want you to roll to see if you hit him now the way this is going to work we haven't explained this to the listeners yet because I'm bad at this um mhm I don't think I even explained it to you yet is no uh I just want you to roll a D6 and the way it's going to work is if it's odd you fail if it's even you succeed if it's a six you did really well if it's a

one you did really [ __ ] that's basically how it's going to work two two you succeeded so you have shot him can he also roll to see whether he successfully switched it to stun cuz he's got a habit of thinking it's on stun when it's not I was going to say if he got a one then no he didn't but I think the two the two is done that yeah yeah yeah uh so you have you have stunned the twick and he's he's now unconscious on the floor I'll walk over handcuff him MH on my radio David I've just arrested our informant he was trying to get us to do some smuggling but I've got some information about the shift next door um I'm just going to call in reinforc to pick up this guy I'm walking over to you now my radio off the bartender a dollar and walk out right

the bartender says these drinks cost more than a dollar he's gone son of a [Laughter] [ __ ] all right so David you uh you enter the sandwich shop and uh yeah it's a Subway yeah it's a space Subway and um a Subway yeah St I'm in the line yeah I I have a 6 in meatball on honey oat and uh honey yeah yeah do you have do you have POG you have POG Lo there's a the the rodian who's who's the you know the first member of staff at the the the counter looks you says mlan yeah yeah I'll have some mclunky uh but just a little bit Yeah you uh you

you did you do some foreign language work you know that mclunky is uh is rodian for POG flesh so yeah yeah so I get a little on both yeah yeah you got the mclunky going on there and then the various cheeses yeah yeah I love cheese yeah yeah yeah he he's yeah which one he's indicating oh uh sorry the um the GDA space GAA yeah space GAA yeah yeah all right and he hands the uh hands the sandwich off to the next staff member and Ewok who uh who looks up a year who asks me if I want to I want a meal I say yeah I just I get that with um the double chalk cookie and a and a Diet Coke thanks all

right um roll a perception check okay so I'm just going to have you roll the dice and then you let me know what the number is y sure I got a two you got a two all right so that's that success so uh a low success you notice that the staff look pretty nervous especially the Ewok he does the in particular the Ewok he does look a little nervous she has a little bit beat of sweat and uh beat sweat running running down his eyes and he blinks but it looks weird when he blinks it looks really weird it does it looks like his eyes weren't meant to Blink but they are [ __ ] staring at those eyes just knowing something's not right just looks really strange and also his mouth is just open

with like a weird tongue hanging out and like the teeth just kind of stick out it's just he's very strange looking yeah so I'm I'm like slowly but obviously moving my hand down to my sidearm right and then just before I get to it he quickly donks me on the foot and I'm out cold I'm out cold he throws a sandwich at your shoe and uh hang on let me roll he's rolled a four so he does he he hits you in the foot with a sandwich so you go down just just but just before I'm blacking out I all I can see is his just little little blinky eyes his little blinky and and then your eyes as you as you Fade to Black you see down you see at his belt he's got a little lightsaber oh yeah and and just just before I completely black out I I I

hear I can just hear him go over to the stereo and just put on yub nuub wait what you cut out yabn oh yabn sorry didn't hear what you said and then love that song reference so bad that everyone's just gone sign no the I think the sound cut off all I heard you say was he walks over to the stereo and turns it up that's what I heard and I was like turn up B Joy yeah uh Luke you walk into the subway and you see uh David lying on the floor with it covered in Sandwich covered in porg covered in mclunky I should say um por AKA porlo uh with a with an Ewok kind of standing over him and Y yub knob blaring through the stereo okay

so um let me just say love the tasty music now could I get another sandwich since she's dropped mine the Ewok yeah if you just make me a fresh one I'll help him get up and he uh he he nods backs around around the other side of the counter and then slowly heads out the back door and you see the rodian wait the rodian who was who was there behind the counter starts making you a sandwich and he looks and says mlan yeah yeah that'll be fine yeah okay also can you we'll get a tab here going as well I'm trying to help David up and I'm ask start a tab for t246 yeah I'm start I'm starting to come too yeah you okay oh man I I think that I think that Ewok is the guy we're looking for he's either got a MAG light or a light saber I couldn't quite see

which oh he's just run out the back um can you wait here to get my sandwich I'm just going to run out and just go grab him and have a chat and I'll be we we'll we'll be fine we'll get back we'll go head back to base okay me and the I go to me and the Rodi and start cleaning up the the spilled uh ml off the floor M mclunky yeah he actually scraping it back into the container that was behind the counter yeah I'm eyeing him suspiciously but he can't see cuz I the helmet on I walk out the back excuse me Mr Ewok it's just a walk he's Japanese walk you walk through the back door and you can see there's a there's a couple other staff members back there there's like uh a zabra there sweeping up the like mopping the

floor and uh you see like a Duro there chopping some lettuce and then as you glance up you see the the back exit door kind of swinging as if someone's just gone gone out of it you know like in the movies yeah um excuse me did the Ewok just run through there or the zabra says Ah Ewok oh yeah little dude out the front oh didn't didn't see an Ewok sorry mate all right well I'm just going to head past uh if you see anything you can just call it into the base and we'll we'll we'll get some down here but I'm just going to go check and see if you went outside re sure thing mate we'll uh we'll call it into the base all right so you went around to the back alley uh and you you you it kind of

runs to the left and to the right uh what what's your what's your gut telling you he's gone I'm just going to go back to see David all right all right you let the Ewok Get Away by now I'm I've fully cleaned up all the mclunky and um I'm handing you a sandwich and we're both just chewing on our sandwiches while we have this conversation so let how are you eating the sandwiches just so oh our helmets are off now our helmets are off T we're in a booth sitting sitting in opposite each other Pulp Fiction style uh with our with our helmets on the on the on the bench next to us just enjoying our sandwiches okay all right yeah yeah do you know what they call mclunky uh on alderon no what do they call mclunky on

Old they call it a Royale with cheese oh okay yeah you know what they dip it in mayonnaise mayonnaise yeah as you guys are enjoying your sandwiches a tall figure enters the space Subway with a flowing cloak and hooded face it it storms in with a bunch of other Troopers Storm Troopers behind oh and it enters in looks around comes over to you and you recognize this is a Sith Inquisitor mhm mhm and he comes over the table and a voice from inside the hood says you sailing no no we're just having a lunch break you yeah yeah it's a sched lunch

break we're going to go yeah straight after this we're going to go back we're both fully unionized so we are entitled to a 45 minute uninterrupted lunch break done finding Jedi uh we've got some leads that we're chasing down not literally um but we're you know we're considering some leads yeah for the Jedi have you heard anything we are looking Ewok yeah we were looking at an Ewok yeah I was looking at an Ewok he ran out the back of this place about half an hour ago yeah we've started calling him the back door Ewok just to differentiate him from other Ewoks that might be around the rodian

says there's another back door you walk around the uh The Inquisitor turns and storms out the back uh through the kitchen and then you hear the sound of a zabra choking in the kitchen and then being I think we should exit through the front door yeah so yeah we're just going to get up and leave one of the other Storm Troopers comes over and goes the hell are you guys up to well lunch break's over we're just going to go yeah we were in the bar that's where we were when our St so we're going to go back there yeah we actually have an informant tied up somewhere in the bar vicinity did we Luke is that what you were telling me the trooper says yeah was taken back to the back to the jail the jail the space jail well yeah we're going to head back

there and have a chat to him very good yeah I I put another um put another poster up on the door here oh yeah of the subway there's another Droid one I call back to the rodian and just say do you mind if I put a poster up he's like I don't care it's not my shop he said oh MC Cluny no this one's this one says rebeled this one says Rebels and you thought they smelled bad on the outside that's got a picture of a back door you walk yeah so now I'm driving we're in are you driving I'm driving a speeder where did you get the speeder I'm assuming we just had one that's how we got to the bar fine fine we rented it

Rental yeah all right it's a it's a it's a speeder but it's got a side car and one of you has to go on the side car who and scissors paper rock for it I call driving tell you what no it's it's a it's a bike side but we couldn't decide so we're both like riding tandem on the bike pot and and the side car is empty it's just full of sandwiches yeah yeah and Subway cookies por Glo yeah sorry about that David I had to get out of there quickly that Stormtrooper that's t246 I why to be putting everyone's tabs on yeah yeah I recognized him I recognized him because of distinctive armor yeah that's right um so anyway we arrive we arrive at the uh at the jail the space jail the

spale M arrive at spale at the Z spale and we um we're in one of those two-way little window things and ' got the little telephone and we're we're talking to the uh informant TW through the glass he says I can't believe you [ __ ] arrested me I helped you guys did you did you did you get the Jedi did you get him well he did really help us like in trouble with our boss you know where he was before I told you how's that not help so just to clarify you mean the small furry guy with the Blinky eyes and suspicious amount of ball sweat was the Ewok oh yeah yeah that's yeah oh you didn't know I didn't know who it was no I just I just heard it was someone at the sandwich shop well who who told you that was someone at the sandwich shop I mean we really do need

to know a little bit more information about how the hell you know the word around town it's just the word the word around town was that there's a Jedi at the subway and no one thought to mention can you're expecting us to pay you for this information if everyone just knows it we did bring you a sandwich though but we gave it to the guard he may or may not have passed it on a unbelievable um I mean you could if you wanted more info you could go talk to to Dan L danl Dan L yeah he's a he's a mon calamari he uh he knows everything that's going on around here uh where can we find him which which uh which fast food restaurant does he work at he works at a Porto space

Ao no aulo yeah AO so we walk back out to the the speed Portuguese with the Portuguese um but this time we we both get into the side car a go I'm just writing this down for feuture reference yeah yeah uh very good all right so you heading to a bgo yeah we're heading into aulo all right uh as you're as you're on your way to aulo you uh you spot a bunch of Stormtroopers shooting up shooting up Jesus Christ [ __ ] junky Stormtroopers like they're shooting at the front of a local department store people and all the the locals are screaming and oh we want to get in on

this should we pull over and also shoot up this place I I guess we should yeah without questioning we just stand next to our brethren and just also just into the yeah what are we uh what are we shooting at here guys and they the says oh I don't know what are you shooting at you just saw you shooting oh I just saw this guy shooting and the other guy says me I thought who wait oh the I saw this other guy shooting but he seems to have left how about we just hold off on the shooting they all they all stop shooting turns out we haven't hit any anything not one of us right yeah only Imperial Stormtroopers are that precise are they good shots or

not I just don't know well it just depends on if you should get the star or not yeah well you could argue that uh that they were asked to um to act like they were attacking but to actually let them Escape so they could follow them back to the fair well the other storm tro say well all right fine um I guess we'll just where did that where' that Ewok go oh you saw an Ewok yeah I told him to stay where he was uh but he seems to have run off was it a a back door Ewok or the regular kind oh it did smell like one yeah cuz we're hunting down a back door Ewok ourselves he he he stands there awkwardly which you've learned now means he's winking at you uh yeah he's making a little sound like like this as well gives away and he

points uh he points in the direction of uh of what looks to be little space port over on the other side of the the square that you're on and he says he was he was headed that way when we stopped him all right um we give Chase we run across the street uh in search of the back door Ewok the back door Ewok yeah uh so you you get to the the entrance to the space port and there's a there's a gentleman sat behind a glass screen and he says gentleman yes sorry can I help you something so something you're looking for in particular have you seen an Ewok come past here back door Ewok uh oh I was going to say we've seen a few but yes back door Ewok yes just a moment ago actually uh he's uh he's headed off on

the uh uh on the uh can't think of a clever name for an Ewok ship um the twick it yeah yeah I like it yeah yeah I'm to twick it so all right can you uh stop that [ __ ] from taking off please uh on who Authority clearance uh mine I see him and in your name Luke ground flyer see his [ __ ] uniform right you know what this is Imperial be anyone under there mate could be anyone under there this is this whole system's new could be anyone under there all I pull out my blaster aim at his face I I I I see your identification is in order and he hit hits a few buttons and he mag was in absolutely no danger the maglocks for all the ships

have been engaged and they will not they will not be able to uh to leave the port at this time mhm thank you very much now if you can just open the door we'll just head down that way which which um where is he docked there he's it he's on he's on the third platform right mhm and he open hits a button in the door to the port slides open uh on The Concourse there's actually a um ooro Express um so I stop in there to a Bondi burger and yeah and then um there's a there's another tall ped cloaked man who's uh who's serving us the uh who's serving us the

aulo AO yes yeah I'd like to ask him some questions sure sorry you're cutting out there he's is a he's a cloaked man you said yeah cloaked man yeah John cloakman Johnny cloakman John cloan that's he says all right ABS yeah yes what can I help you with yeah B Bondo Burger thanks yep sure yeah uh um CH with or without Chile uh yeah with with Chile um mhm yeah do you um You probably see all the ships come and go here do you oh I do tend to see uh who comes in and out yeah yeah um you get many Ewoks on on Z no handful handful of Ewoks yeah yeah yeah they are a handful um so you know you'd notice one if it came in right especially if it was a they all look

pretty similar I mean notice if it was a back door Ewok but no that's racist um yeah do you know um you know the guy who hangs out in the back of the uh the tavern cuz uh cuz he knows you and uh he seemed to have a awful lot of information on one particular Ewok and uh well I just want to know what you know about it oh I see where you're getting at yeah yeah there is a particular there's a back door Ewok and I I did see his uh this is not a euphemism but I did see his lightsaber sure you how how a lightsaber and not a torch just hanging off his belt look I was on uh I was on I was on a ship uh when the uh The Inquisitor arrested one of the uh one of the Jedi

on board and I I saw his lightsaber as well they stripped him naked and I saw his lightsaber except for except for the light saer yeah Y and a lot of ball sweat um I'm writing this down I also suddenly get a little bit suspicious and I lunge forward over the counter and I grab the cloak and I pull it and I realize that it's not one normaliz man it's two Ewoks one at top the other that's what Ewok sound like I guess yeah yeah you do the top Ewok uh does a flip over you as you as you're pulling on him and you hear a strange sound and suddenly a beam of blue light uh appears from the uh the metal tube in his hand and he faces off against you a [ __ ] the other Ewoks kind

of scampered underneath the underneath the counter I start yelling at Luke to uh to shoot him Luke shoot the little I start firing randomly just randomly yep roll a p roll a [Music] die five five oh um uh one of the gorian that's guarding the the platform behind you gets hit in a throat and he uh [ __ ] luckily it's still set to stun he F yeah but it stunned his his ability to breath he's just choking out on the floor that should be a thing in Star Wars movie set it to stun and it's like yeah but he [ __ ] stunned in the throat yeah so he just falls to the ground clutching his

throat ah [ __ ] the uh I I think I can hear him also say Stun Me in the dick a clunky um the Ewok jumps forward and swings at you with his lightsaber Dan okay uh yeah I I've I've actually uh I take off my backpack um try to find a weapon or something all I've got is my little notebook and a bunch of Flyers so I I throw the Flyers up in the air um to confuse and disorientate him he uh he rolled a five so the Flyers one of them gets stuck cuz they've got they preglued um and peeled the back off one of them at some point ready to put it up and it actually gets stuck to his face so now

this Ewoks flailing around with a lightsaber and he uh he manages to chop the arm off a protocol Droid that was standing kind of behind him yeah I don't I don't recognize the the Droid now that there's a a different arm that's right exactly Luke it's your turn to act again I'm just going to try and call for backup okay all right so you so I'm going to call The Inquisitor okay so you pop on you really want to get The Inquisitor involved that be a lot of paperwork if we get The Inquisitor are involved I I know but um we're getting our asses kicked at the moment yeah that's true so I prefer paperwork over get my ass not it's up to me I it's not how I would describe it to be

honest flailing around with a piece of paper stuck in his face a pretty good time to try and shoot him to be honest yeah or just grab him by the Yeah his giant about this s he wles free fine I'm going to grab him then all right make a roll to see if you grab him four four all right you've got a hold of him grab him and push him to the ground all right you pushed him to the ground finally caught you you back door Ewok he starts fling around he still lightsaber it's getting dangerously close to you um David can you help me with the lightsaber here grab his hand or something yeah I go over and I try to do that cop thing where you stand on the hand of someone hold my gun uh except I don't know how light work and that accidentally stands

on the button that uh that turns it on oh yeah Alo it's like goes that should be a dice roll yeah roll roll okay and oh I've got a six mate all right this worked out very well for me somehow yeah so you've uh you've you've knocked it Loose from his hand and turned it off at the same time and the lightsaber rolls to the side I think for a six I should have picked it up I'm now holding no you no no no you can you can do that now you can grab it yeah I'm [ __ ] holding you SC yourself a lightsaber and then I'll keep struggling with him and put try putting handcuffs on okay roll four four oh yeah yep so you get the handcuffs on him and uh and as you're doing that he's he's struggling and from his he's got a little kind of little bag around his his

uh his neck and a little a little Cube falls out a little device falls out under the ground you spot that yeah it's a D6 and it's on it's it's on five he's roll to five now you you recognize it from your training it looks to be a a holocron oh which you've heard a Jedi use to store information yeah it's one of those old old timey holocrons it's an eight track holocron so yeah yeah where we where are we going to find a place where we can plug this in [ __ ] watch it I'm going to have to find a high-i store I pick it up and put in my pocket suddenly I turn to and I say wait wen't there two Ewoks here where's the Ewok who was standing on this guy's shoulders uh I thought you were taking care of that one I got this

one I've done my job I've got my qua for the week so if you want I can try and help you find it I think we might have dropped the ball here no no no I got my Ewok you dropped the ball don't try and blame this on me as you guys are arguing an Ewok comes flying overhead and Splats into the wall above you and uh from from the direction the Ewok came you see storming in the Sith Inquisitor from earlier the Sith quitor raises his hand and the Ewok that you were struggling with his handcuff now Rises into the air and uh starts choking and uh sir I caught an Ewok and the a back door Ewok at that The Inquisitor says you sit down and good and then he closes his fist and you hear like a cracking sound and the Ewok falls to the ground dead oh Jesus oh I didn't

think we were going to kill him and then um from uh from behind the the counter another employee is uh holding out a paper bag with some um with some food in it and he says Order 66 Bondi Burger and Fries the Sith Inquisitor puts his hand out and the bag floats over to him and he uh grabs it and walks up and then the the guy behind the c says sir I don't think that one was your I'm sorry buddy yeah he looks at you um I flip the guy a dollar and leave he says the sandwich is worth a lot more than it oh forget it bloody Empire all right um David I've got a bit of an idea yeah so he's killed the what Inquisitor left do you want to go up and check out

his ship yeah yeah yeah cuz it's still there I've got his lights now so maybe there's some other stuff on the ship I could also pocket so yeah I'm happy to come along yeah yeah so we we'll claim we're investigating and we'll we'll take it from there mhm so uh you get to platform 3 and it's a it's an Ewok ship so it's it kind of just looks like a stick with uh with engines on it and uh mhm saddle that's not it's not me being racist just a simple simple creatures that's all yeah yeah and they need us to come there and civilize them that's right so uh the the the ramp for the ship is down so uh you can wander straight on um after you oh

thanks uh I head on I have to just have a quick scan Around The Bay just to make sure no one's watching us go no you don't see anybody um there's a couple of gonk droids uh you know going around refueling things and is their word Matt so when you get inside the ship uh it's sparsely uh uh appointed and uh you can see this's you know there's a cockpit at the front it's just got two little seats uh and I Nestle my [ __ ] down to the pit yep and there's a uh there's a a computer system on against one wall and then you can see there's like a very simple kind of uh sink and a cupboard Arrangement on one side and then a toilet at the back okay David I

brought you here for a reason oh okay this is an elaborate way to get me alone go on uh so I Tred to ire cuz I thought we were going to help people uh when The Inquisitor just murdered him pretty much In Cold Blood that's not for me I I need to get out of here so I'm taking this ship you're welcome to come with me but I'm I'm leaving oh uh this is a shock uh I'm shocked I thought was going to be I was going to be straight straight narrow was going to be good but I just can't deal with what I just saw thought the Empire is meant to help people yeah that's true that that it was what sold Us in on it um and they ran out of clones still not sure why they didn't just keep making more clones and they had to just recruit us but

uh we got a job yeah that's true true that's true I was just doing data entry before I came on to this but now I'm I'm saying I've got a ship look uh I respect Budd uh you know it's it's your decision you know the Imperial forces aren't for everyone but um um thing I ask if you're not going to come with me can you give me a head start look uh since we've been through a lot since we've docked together um if you know what I mean I stand there awkwardly which he knows is a wink it's a wink yeah um I I'll give you a a 10minute head start but um I will come after you just so you know because I uh I'm really getting into this whole Imperial thing I shoot David with a stun stun roll the

dice three [ __ ] you miss and it hits hits the wall of the ship and some place this is awkward I ignite the lightsaber I walk over to him and I say Luke I'm I'm not going to take you in but I uh I'm going to still let you go but I'm going to keep I'm going to keep a part of you and uh so you'll know I'm always I think you know I think you know buddy and uh I reach down and uh and I cut off his dick what the roll dice attempt to cut

off my dick it's a four so I put the dick in my pocket the uh the heat from thees the wound yeah so you're a unic now you're you're smooth as a kandall and I've got I've got a dick in my pocket dick are you oh you're a corellian corellian is like just a human right and an oldan is a human as well yeah yeah yeah yeah no we're both we're both humans and I look him straight in the eye and I say this is so that you know that if you leave right now you're effectively [ __ ] yourself because I'm going to be right behind you with this dick in my pocket I'm just still in a bit of shock and pain I Ste down off the Steep down off the

ship as you uh step off the ship the computer Springs to life and you you hear like a noise in your pack and the the little holocron starts glowing well David's got that no no no so I'm saying he sees he he he's walking down the ramp and uh he sees he hears a noise in his little his pocket oh yeah and uh I uh I look around and there's a um there's a datson 180b also docked in the uh in the docking station and I know that it's got a m track on the uh on the stereo so uh I go over to uh to the guy who's sitting and he's just sitting in it with the radio and I said do you mind if I just pop this in and he says no no go ahead mate what do you got what do you got so I turn off akaaka and I I Chuck him this

little little holotape he pops it in and uh the message message comes to life yep all right all right so Luke you don't hear this no no in fact in fact as the message comes on I I I see Luke's ship you know the stick and um ironic phic symbol someone who's got no dick um lift off and disappear into the night as I hear the uh the recording start to play the recording says Ah nubnub My Apprentice When You Reach this message hopefully I'll have arrived on the planet Zulu I've uh attached coordinates and then there's a bunch of numbers that uh that read out hope to see you soon I take out my little notebook right down the numbers I take one last look at the stick flying off into space and then I turn back to the guy in the datson 180p and I say can you give me a

lift directed by George Lucas chapter one all right chapter one and that is cut my dick off that's chapter one of I don't know what this is called yet we should come up with name fck name for that yeah I I'll think of something good stuff good stuff I also think listeners if you want to throw in maybe come up with ideas something throw kall at us email podcast and maybe Matt can sort of yeah I mean do you guys want to continue the story David R and Luke ground fly yeah all right yep yeah cuz I'm now out for Revenge I love the Star Wars thing too because it's like there's you know like we all kind of have enough common knowledge that we can throw stuff in you know yes it's not as

random yep I love it y let's do it again stay tuned three years later part two haris eventually cont yeah